COMING OUT!!!

OUT!
By Bob Enriquez

It was a scene straight out of every closet gay’s dream. To shout from the rooftops that he is not what he is supposed to be, but rather, a different person altogether. It made headlines. It broke primetime silence and it brought old issues to fore. And I’m not talking about the latest coup plot. I’m talking about the Pinoy Big Brother landmark revelation from actor Rustom Padilla. Almost everyone who watched that night vividly remembers Rustom’s revelation to co-housemate Keanna Reeves. Nevermind how Keanna reacted, with matching garden piss, everyone was pegged and focused in anticipation as Rustom slowly and gradually revealed his true self.

It took a great deal of self-introspection on Rustom’s part to finally come in the open and accept his sexuality. It was a decision that brought the idea of coming out of your closet. The day after that revelation, hundreds (or even thousands) of reactions filled text reacts on TV, emails, internet forums, text message exchanges and even down to the “chismosang kapitbahay” level. Rustom was suddenly everywhere and was the toast of the town. For Rustom, it was not only a decision but also a turning point in his life. He seemed to have seen it coming as one of the “highlights” of his stay at the Big Brother house. To many it was a milestone…it was THE key.

Coming out of your closet takes a peculiar sense of courage. Not only are you coming out for yourself, you’re also coming out to your famly, all your friends, and the world. It’s not an easy thing to do, knowing how society has been so abrasive about gays and how they react to certain derivatives of such. But how do you know if the conditions are right? How sure are you that the results would be favorable? How will that change people’s perception of you? Will it lessen your personality? Will it hamper with your current status in life? Will it create a deviant character in everyone you meet? Will your family totally accept the finality that one of their members happen to be part of an alternate lifestyle? These are just some of the questions that you should think about before making that big decision to finally come out of your closet.

But what is the “closet”? What does it hold? For gays like us, it holds practically everything in our gay life. This is our own “fortress of solitude”, this is our solace in times that we tend to run from the outside world. We meet our true self inside this four-cornered “world”. This is where we keep our inner-most secrets and gives us a true sense of “reality”. This is where WE are true, real, and concrete. We don’t want people to violate this “world” because we feel it would weaken us. It would cause our deterioration as a person. It would diminish us into a mere freak and take us down to how people currently see us. Honestly, and practically speaking, these are unfounded fears.

In psychology, we have three “selves”. The presenting self, the perceived self, and the real self. Just to give you an idea on each, the presenting self is the “self” that we present to the world. It is the one that people see and everyone knows. The perceived self is the “self” that WE want people to see us. This is the character that we create for ourselves. The real self is our true nature. It is the one that we hide from others, the one we hide “in the closet”. Some of us may be “closet rockers”, “closet philosophers”, “closet geniuses”, etc. In our case, at one point in our lives, we became “closet gays”. But how and when do we really have to make those crucial first steps out of our closets? What would instigate such an action on our part? What must go inside our minds to create the perfect conditions to make that decision?

Test the waters.
See and observe if family and friends are comfortable with seeing and talking to gays. Find out their stand on homosexuality and even give them a quiz to get their reactions if they found out one of their friends is gay. Although coming out to your family takes a greater degree of courage and strength as a person, same thing can apply. You can even start with the family member you’re most closest and most comfortable with, even if it is the household help. Take baby steps. You won’t get there if you do big leaps. Start with small, sure steps.

That first crucial step.
Initially, many gays come out to friends. Usually, it’s the family whose the last to know.
The good thing is, friends give us that firm foundation to further pursue our vision of coming out. Friends are the first ones to accept and respect our first step out of the closet. Some may not be favorable but generally, reactions to your revelations to friends can be very assuring and makes the acceptance easy on our part. Take the case of Rustom.

The next best thing.
Take to heart that one of the first ones to understand us is our family. This is a dangerous clause. Oftentimes, coming out to your family can result in some violent reactions and can even result in some physical display of defiance. I knew of a gay who got tied to their stairs by his father until he rebuts his revelation. It didn’t last long. He was accepted. Do we expect the same from our own family? How do we approach this? As with the old adage, mother really knows best. Start with mom. Mothers can really understand and feel how we feel. Sit down and talk to mom heart to heart. Remember, we shared the same body for nine months. Moms can be the best “hint of hope” in coming out to your family. But don’t expect to get a favorable result at first. There may be resistance upon first mention but it’s up to you to slowly ease the issue in. Make the process fun and easy for both you and your mom. That way it won’t be that hard on her…and you.

Introduce things slowly (but surely!).
Let people feel the change in you as you gradually introduce the emerging “true” self as against the presenting and perceived selves. Let the “true” self overtake the two selves that you were carrying for quite sometime. Get into unisex fashions. Get into the whole male vanity thing. Let them notice change one step at a time. That way, accepting who you really are becomes second nature. Remember, slowly inch the gay lifestyle in your daily undertakings as part of your “coming out” so people can find it easier to accept you.

Dignified and Respectable.
Take it to yourself that if you finally decide to come out, you’ll not lose your dignity.
Remember, it becomes easily acceptable if we let people see that despite our being gays, we still maintain a certain amount of dignity and call a reasonable amount of respect. This has been an issue with many gays. As observers of other gays, I’ve seen gays who dress up as if they were attending a fall or winter fashion revue in April! I mean, be considerate. Remember, being gay is a state of mind. It is not a fashion issue. Although I agree that fashion play a crucial role in being gay, let’s not cross the line of what stereotyping has diminished us. The decades of gay bashing because of the “parlorista” image should be done with. Now is the time of the respectable gay!

When gays come out, it either becomes a thorn being plucked out of their chests or a thorn being stabbed at them. These conditions make us afraid to leave our closets and stay there for the rest of our lives. It may either be a happy ending or a tragedy in itself. Everything in this world is double-edged. We must be able to weigh the risks and consider everything before holding that knob and slowly twist it to open the door that reveals a life filled with exciting possibilities.

When you decide to finally step out, be prepared for a whole new world apart from what you have become familiar with. A gay’s world could be a happy place if you want it to. Being gay means being merry, bright, lively and pleasurable so why stay in your slump? Get out of your closet and start an exciting new life!

Welcome!


Postscript: As if by some strange twist of fate, Rustom’s coming out segued a coveted role in the Zsa-Zsa Zaturnah movie. Now that's as OUT as anyone can be!